In the trans community there is a term called ‘gender euphoria’; it is the opposite to ‘gender dysphoria’. Gender dysphoria is a feeling that quietly follows you around then all of a sudden gives you a swift punch to the guts when you become aware of something that doesn’t feel right, be it your reflection, or a reminder of the body parts you don’t like.
Gender euphoria happens when something affirms the way you feel. It can be as simple as a shirt making your chest look flat or the other day another non-binary friend and I got called ‘gentlemen’ as we left the cinema and we nearly pissed our pants with excitement.
“Did you hear that? Did he just call us gentlemen?” we beamed at each other trying to play it cool and look as masculine as possible as we shuffled away all giddily.
It is not that I am going around spending the whole time feeling depressed and dysphoric, but those little moments that acknowledge you right where you are at are just golden. You start to look for more ways you can recreate them. It’s like a drug. Eventually the short term fixes aren’t enough and you want something long term. Something that will affirm you permanently.
Navigating the medical world is a bit of a land mine. You never know what is going to set you off. You think you’re going to be safe when there’s rainbow flags pasted up in the window, but often that gesture doesn’t go beyond the doorway. Too many services wave their flag like a proud ally, but don’t stop to consider what that means from a service delivery perspective. Does the flag mean reception won’t be openly homophobic or transphobic? Or does it mean your staff will be trained and responsive to the basic needs of the LGBTIQ+ community? Because if it doesn’t, then take them down please. You haven’t earned that badge yet.
In the last few visits at my rainbow flagged doctors surgery I have had to explain in painful amount of detail, what I am and what I need. Nothing makes you feel more assured about the service you are going to receive when they make you literally spell out your gender identifier.
“Oh, i’ve never heard of non-binary before, what does it mean? Is that hard for your parents?” is what I faced when I needed to get a mental health plan.
Yes, you need a mental health plan in order to get an approval letter from a gender specialist psychologist. They won't write that letter until you've had a minimum of three sessions at $215 a pop to be given approval to see a surgeon. Then you need to up your private health insurance to premium so it includes ‘psychiatric care’. Then you need to go back to your GP and get an actual referral.
There are many fences to climb over on your way to gender euphoria. Special fences designed just for people like me who may have something wrong with their brain. Better put in extra measures and costs so you don't make any rash decisions.
I wonder how many approvals people need to get before they get a breast enhancement or a nose job? I wonder if their GP asks them whether they have thought about their decision to self-nominate having major cosmetic surgery? As if the idea just popped up this morning with your toast and you happen to have oodles of cash and annual leave to spare, so you know, why not?!?
Rest assured doctor, I’ve spent hours staring at myself in the mirror imagining what I might look like after having my breasts removed. Asking myself a million questions. Will the surgeon do a good job? Will my nipples be straight? Will it look funny when my belly sticks out more than my chest? Will I look like a pear? Will that mean i’ll have a #dadbod? Will I look attractive or like a freak? Will my scars be bad? Will they fade eventually? Maybe I should build my shoulders and pecs up more? Maybe I should try harder to get rid of this gut so I’m less shapely? Maybe I should stop thinking that top surgery is going to take away all my dysphoria. Maybe I should be grateful that I am privileged enough to even access surgery.
Is this why this is considered psychiatric? Are these the thoughts of an unstable person or are these just the normal thoughts of a trans person?
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