Kids are surprisingly great to talk to about gender stuff. Unlike adults, they don’t carry a lifetime of learned behaviours and expectations that weave their way into conversations. Kids accept information more openly because they are still piecing together how things work. They don’t empathise with you because they know what it is like for you, they empathise because they don’t assume to know otherwise.
I have just spent the last week with my twelve year old nephew. Prior to him arriving I had been thinking a lot about how I’d like to talk to him about gender. I couldn’t assume he didn’t already know about me, but since my family are still figuring out how to talk about my gender identity, there was a chance he hadn’t been brought up to speed. I wasn’t expecting a negative reaction, but I was nervous all the same.
Maybe i'm over thinking this? I wondered, practicing a speech on the way to work. I thought about different analogies and explanations I could use to explain gender diversity. Its not a fucking essay I scolded myself as I listened to overly complex introduction, body and conclusion of the conversation I was having in my head. Keep it simple. Make it accessible. I wanted him to be able to relate and understand so he wouldn't become another vessel that helps spread transphobia across generations.
My nephew adores me and has unknowingly affirmed my identity ever since he was a little boy. To him I have always been a strong masculine figure. He would ask me to help him put together his Lego. He would confidently tell my family to wait until I arrived as I would be able to lift the heavy furniture. He would pick out presents like blue matchbox cars and Batman birthday cards for me. Much of his fashion was modeled against my taste in clothing. He identified with me and that has always made me feel really validated.
So why was I hesitating to put words to what he had always respected about me? It was no doubt the usual trope many gender diverse and queer folk experience; the deep and often subconscious fear of being rejected by the people you love.
I looked over at the kid. We were both fresh from the barber where he had requested a cut as near to mine as you could get with only half thickness, and about a quarter of the volume of my hair. He was beaming at me behind an oversized slice of Nutella cheesecake at a cafe.
“Hey mate, you know how I like to get my haircut like this so I go to a barber, and that is usually where men go to get their haircut...well that’s becau-”
His phone rang. Fuck it, it was terrible segue anyway. I’ll try again later. Keep it simple. Don't be weird about it. Kids can smell your fear.
Attempt two was on a long drive where I had his undivided attention. This time I didn’t try and sugar coat, I dove straight in.
“Bud, I want to talk to you about something that is important to me. Its to do with the way that I look, and act, and how I feel about my body. The thing is, some people are born into bodies that feel right to them, they look down and think ‘yep, this works for me’ and they are called ‘cisgendered’ or ‘cis’.
Then there are people that feel like the body they were born into doesn’t match how they feel in their head so they go about doing things to make themselves feel more comfortable, like changing the way they look, or dress, or speak. They are called ‘transgendered’ or ‘trans’...and that is what I am”
He paused and stared out the window for a bit then calmly replied
“Ok. I think I might be cis then’”
“Yeah, you might be. Sometimes it takes time to figure these things out. It certainly took me a while. But that is why I am the way I am, and I understand I’m probably a bit different to most of the other people you know”
“Yeah...but I like you the way you are” was his response, and as responses go, it doesn’t get much more ideal than that.
Not dismissive. No reductive. Just affirmative. Kids are awesome.
Later we talked about pronouns and how I use 'they/them' and he asked about appropriate ways of referring to me. I told him he can refer to me as anything, so long as it wasn’t gendered, so no ‘she’s’ or female terms. He paused again, and I wondered how much he was actually processing. These things take a while for adults, so I didn’t really know what the turn-around time would be for kids...
“So I can call you Batman?? No, wait...BatTHEM!”
Turns out, pretty fast.
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