I had one of those weeks recently. You know the kind that attacks you from every angle? It came at me with everything it had, knew every vulnerability, every weak spot and just kept swinging. I slumped over like a beaten up boxer in the corner of the ring, concerned spectators leaning in and asking if I was ok. They told me it was an unfair fight, that there was no shame in giving up and letting go. I wanted to. I was tired and hurt. I waited for the tears, but they just never came.
I spent the first half of my life trying to be stoic and not let anyone see me cry. Determined to keep a sense of control, despite wanting to seek comfort in others. That was what I understood strength to be. Over time however I began to see this response had more negative impacts on me than anyone else, so I started to learn how to be open and vulnerable.
Learning to cry in front of others was awkward at first. I couldn’t seem to get the timing right. I’d banked up so much it kind of just leaked out at strange times. Slow melodic songs with violins, particularly emotive TV commercials. Anything could set me off but eventually I got into the rhythm of it. I learnt that everyone experiences hurt and emotions differently. There wasn’t always a time and a place, so sometimes you needed to ask for some sad time. Tell people when you need comfort and not expect that they will know.
So here I was, well rehearsed in the art of having a cry and knowing that the time was ripe - but nothing came out. I put the first two failures to perform down to burn out. Perhaps I was just beyond the ability to give a fuck. But the third; a nervous reunion with a past lover and that little flame still burning in my heart blown out. I was sure that would break me. Driving home I turned up the radio expecting the melancholic tunes to be the key that would open the floodgates. Still, nothing.
Gosh, this is it...I thought to myself. About a month earlier I had started on a low dose of testosterone and hadn’t really felt anything yet. I started to wonder, is this it? Is the T is finding its way into my system? I didn’t think this would be the first thing to appear...or disappear for that matter. It felt like my emotional barometer had re-calibrated.
Is this how men do it? I questioned as the once overwhelming feelings passed with minimal theatrics. Is this why cis men have always claimed to be less emotional and more able to make clear rational decisions? There was a remarkable sense of control where the great lump in my throat used to be. You bastards... this explains a lot of very questionable behaviour seemingly done with such a straight face. It’s like testosterone applies some sort of emotional filter. This is both convenient and scary.
Where is it going? Am I repressing these feelings again now? I worry, but it's not like I'm fighting to hold things in. I’m inviting things to be processed, it’s just feelings are presenting differently now.
My biggest concern is that my emotions will come out in a more aggressive way. Like my first reaction to hurt won’t be to feel sad, it will be anger. That it will feel out of my control, just how I'm programmed. This is how I've seen men justify when they don’t want to be responsible for their behaviour. Is this really the case, or have they just been socialised that way?
The problem with this medication is nothing is clean cut. You don’t just wake up one day in a new body like they do in those Hollywood movies where cis women's brains get swapped into cis men's bodies. All these experiences are coming at a time when we live in an unprecedented world. Changes happening in my body are just as unusual as those happening around me.
If only you could test yourself in laboratory conditions. A nice controlled environment where there was a clear line between cause and effect. Then you would know. But life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Life keeps happening all around you as you make these decisions. There are new stressors and old fears. PMS and pandemics. There hasn’t been a sense of normal for some time now so you are left wondering, is this the T or is it me?
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